Title: Reflections in the Snow
Summary: What he can’t say to anyone else…
Warnings: Not mine, no profit made, no harm intended.
For the prompt If at fourbrothers100
If you hadn’t died Jack, I wouldn’t be standing here right now, freezing my ass off in this damn cemetery. As a matter of fact, I bet you’re laughing your ass off on some fluffy warm cloud, while I’m shivering like a freak, trying to think of something clever to say.
I wanted to talk to you, and the guys keep looking at me weird every time they see me talking to myself. They just don’t get it. I love them both, the assholes, but they just don’t get it. You should see them, Jackie. Angel took Sofi with him finally. I tell you, one more week of that whiny bitch and I would have lost it. There’s only so much a man can take before he has to claim self-defense. I can see it now, me all cleaned up in the court going, “Honestly your honor, it was either I kill her or some random person.”
And Jerry, well he’s been nagging my ass to ‘resolve my issues’. The hell is that supposed to mean? Guy’s been watching those talk shows a bit too much if you ask me. What issues? I ain’t got issues. Well, ok I guess if you wanna get technical, everyone has ‘issues’ with stuff. It’s how you deal with shit. And if violence happens to work for me then so be it. Anyway, he kept after me till I agreed to go see a therapist. Yes, you can just imagine the look of joy on my face every time I go there, Jack. God, Jerry was just like Ma for awhile, worrying and workin’ me over, until I was ready to throttle him.
I, aw fuck I don’t know what to say.
I miss you, Jackie. Hmm, it’s kinda funny how you don’t miss someone till they’re gone. Don’t get me wrong, I missed you while you were off tryin’ to be a rock star, and me, well I was just tryin’ to stay outta jail for a bit. It’s just, now I know you aren’t gonna walk through the door, acting tough till you hug me and I can feel you wanting to crack. It wasn’t until I saw you at Ma’s funeral that I realized how much I had missed you. Hit me like a fuckin’ Mac truck, right in the stomach.
If I’d known that you’d been struggling so badly out there, you know I would have come and got you. I would have fucking walked all the way to bring you back where you belong. Why didn’t you tell me, hell any of us, how bad it was? Do you really think that you could have told us anything that would have made us turn our backs on you? We’re your family, you stubborn brat, a Mercer all the way.
Shit, now I’m getting pissed off. Sorry ‘bout that. I just...I don’t know. I never was any good at talking about my ‘feelings’. I don’t know much I guess. I know I wanted to apologize to you. I know how much you hated bein’ teased. Brothers do that though, you know that. You were so easy to rile. And y’know it didn’t help much that I wasn’t that far off base with some of those insults.
And I guess, ok scratch that, I mean I am sorry that it hurt you. And maybe you weren’t ready to talk about stuff like that, and there I was pushin’ you and bugging you. I wanted to hear you say it. I wanted to be the first person that you told. I always saw it in your eyes, always knew it. Fuck, I’m no good at this.
Ok, I’m sorry that I pushed you away. Fuck, this is the hardest thing man. I pushed you away cause I didn’t want to hurt you. I was afraid that a fuck up like me would only drag you down. I lied when I said I didn’t want you. It cut me so fuckin’ deep, but I thought that for once I was doin’ the right thing. I lied, ok? I lied and I can still taste the bitterness on my tongue from the lies.
Every night I cursed myself for lying. I drank harder than ever after you left, whatever it took, anything to drown the memory of you. I’ll never be able to forget the look on your face, and I’ll take that pain knowing how much I hurt you. God, I’m sorry.
It could have worked, I think so. I’m not sure exactly why it seemed like such a good idea and yet a bad one at the same time. You were right, Jackie. Love should be enough. Yeah, if the punks on the street knew what a supposed hard-ass like Bobby Mercer was afraid of they’d shit themselves laughing. And all I got now are some photographs of you that I swiped from the house, and the memories. I can kinda see it now.
All that family shit, us together and happy for once, all the stuff that goes with being in love and living with each other. It’s blurry though. Fuck, I never expected to be confessing this to a headstone no less, but I believe you can hear me. Screw that, I know you’re listenin’.
I would have loved you like no one else, Jack, you know that. I still do. I would have done all that romantic stuff that I know you secretly liked. Bought you things, dinners, a walk in the park, whatever you wanted. I wouldn’t do that with anyone else, you know that sweetheart, and it’d all be for you. I wanted you to know that. I never said it when you were still here. And I’m sorry for that most of all. I just thought you should know.
You know something, Jack, I would have finally stopped being such a chicken shit and I would have told you the truth and I would have gone with you this time. I’d already pretty much made up my mind when you were lyin’ in your bed the night after we killed those two fuckers in the car. I watched you, saw the fear in your eyes, and the determination and I decided that damn it all, I would do the right thing.
I was gonna tell you after we dealt with Sweet, and now you’re gone. And I’m alone again. I loved you Jack and I still do. I’ll never stop.
If you hadn’t died, Jack, I swear this time it would have been different.